Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
