im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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