So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
