Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
