I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
