There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
