You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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