$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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