I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
