i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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