Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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