I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
