My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
