i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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