Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
