we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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