between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
