he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
