Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
