I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
