Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
