So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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