Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
