she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
