I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
