ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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