if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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