I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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