The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
