My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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