dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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