No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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