In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
time to smoke my breakfast
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
