She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
