____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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