i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
