I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just invented taco cereal.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
