Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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