we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
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You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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