hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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