Pants 0. Shit 1.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
they're like a gay fantastic four
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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