Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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