YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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