her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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