I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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