Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
