What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
