Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
