even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
