I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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