no, he came in my armpit
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
