I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
