I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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