I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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