I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
